Well, 2013 hasn’t been easy so far. I’ve kind of been through the ringer. And I know that’s no excuse for not writing, but it certainly has distracted me in both positive and negative ways.
Over the last four months I’ve gotten into four grad programs (on accident – I seriously didn’t think I’d get in everywhere!), turned 25 (and had an absolute meltdown), started seeing a really good guy (feeling more than blessed on this one), my family is going through some struggles, and last week my grandmother passed away.
Calling this time in my life a lot to process is an understatement. It’s been downright overwhelming. And has given me more than enough opportunity to be introspective – something I typically avoid like the plague. Because in those internal moments, one tends to take stock in life. Am I where I want to be? Am I where I thought I would be? Am I doing enough/too much? Am I capable/worthy of the things I want/have?
I’ve realized that I really do hold myself to a high standard and am extraordinarily ambitious both professionally and personally. I know what I want and do everything in my control to get it and it absolutely drives me nuts when I realize things are beyond my realm of influence. But if I really want my life to be a fairy tale, sometimes I’m going to have to give up that control in the pursuit of something better.
Now I know. I don’t tend to strike most people as a princess kind of girl. I’m logical. I’m brutally honest. I’m professionally intense and don’t back down. But I think all of us, in the back of our minds, when were singing alone in the shower want the epic ending. We want it all to work out. My personal perfect ending is Miracle on 34th Street (but that’s beside the point). The one common thread with all the fanciful fairy tale stories we grew up on is that they all have twists and turns.
Things don’t always go well. Sometimes you get poisoned by an apple or stuck in a tower with miles of hair to worry about. Sometimes the prince gets lost and only has your shoe to find you. And sometimes the smart 25-year-old has to have some blind faith and let herself be vulnerable. Sometimes she’s got to make decisions based on intuition and gut feeling when there is no clear cut answer. And sometimes she’s got to put all of her heart on the line in the hopes (and prayers) that things will go the way she’s always wanted.
I think this realization marks a transition in my life. Being able to roll with the punches is just as important as working hard or being smart or loving freely. It’s making the most of every day while you have it. It’s appreciating where you are – even when it’s not where you thought you’d be. And it’s the hope and faith that I, you, we will all end up where we’re supposed to be.
So tonight as I sit here with my family decompressing from the last week, I’m taking a second to thank my lucky stars for putting me here and giving me the people and experiences and opportunities in my life. I’m working on being 100% sure I’m making logical, well reasoned decisions and then letting myself get excited about them. And I’m praying that things keep going the way they are. Because as many challenges as I’ve seen recently, I know how lucky I am. And hopefully, with a little work, 25 will be great. I may not be where I thought I would be right now, but I’m where I’m supposed to be.