So here it is again. Another post apologizing for not writing more often, promising to be better, setting all sorts of goals, etc. etc. etc. but let’s be honest. Sometimes life gets in the way. The thought of writing after the day is through is absolutely exhausting. You can barely think – let alone form complete sentences. And who really wants to hear my nutty rambling at that point?
I have to be honest. I have an incredible life right now. Yes I have bad days just like everyone else. But I have a job that let’s me hang out with great people all day, in grad school and doing remarkably well, a family that is more supportive than I could ever ask, and a man who loves me and helps me through it all.
The interesting part is, sometimes all that good creates anxiety. Fear that I’m not holding up my end of the bargain. That somehow I don’t deserve it. The internal expectation that I need to execute my life perfectly. Say the right thing. Do the right thing. No mistakes. A rigid mind view of what my life is “supposed to be.” But I have to remember, life isn’t a musical piece you practice over and over until it’s perfect. Life is one day at a time. And realistically, I will screw things up from time to time. And that’s ok.
The man has a phrase he uses every time I’m freaking out about something – “Get it together!” And let me tell you, when I hear that it just makes me cringe. Because in my head getting it together means I somehow have to figure out how to do everything. In my mind it’s akin to “suck it up, and figure it out.” Now I know him well enough to know that’s not what he means. But I have to stop putting the internal pressure on myself to strive for perfect. People who have it together still have problems. They still get emotional. The still have irrational meltdowns from time to time (cue image of me crying over my finance book while studying for midterms). But they also keep these things in perspective.
So, at this point, with everything going on, I might not get to blog as much as I like. I might skip the gym for study group. I might forget to send an email at work because I was worried about my meal planning. That’s all just part of learning to balance. That’s part of establishing my own means of keeping perspective. That’s how you learn to get it together.